angst
i think the night's getting to me. i'm getting all emo and insecure now.
i think i'll make that cut. now. so long world...
i think i'm off to cry myself to sleep. really.
why this is even considered public i have no idea. maybe i want people to think i'm some emo kid. maybe not.
i don't even know what i want.
maybe it's just getting so hard.
i hate you. really. i do. no, i don't. i love you. how can i hate you and love you? it just doesn't make sense. nth does.
maybe i need sth to get it off my mind.
the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. i just hate being so... i don't know. it's not even about the insecurities anymore. i don't know what the heck is wrong with me.
i think it's just the weariness i get of putting up this strong front week after week. no, it's not the act macho shit thing. i don't give a crap abt that. it's more of not stumbling people, esp in church. can i just cry and say i had a shitty week? i can't. can i cry and say i fought with my parents? i can't. i can't because people look up to me, and i have to be strong for them. but those motivations are just extrinsic. what about me?
and though i hate associating iris with being teenybopperish and emo, it perfectly and adequately describes how i feel.
and i don't want the world to see me
cos i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am
yeah. i hate being emo. i think i hate myself. i don't know. this is just so screwed. and i could never post this on my other blog. that's the general perception of who i am. but is this facade of a blog really me?
i'm scared. i'm scared i'll mess up. i'm scared i'll fail. i'm scared i just won't be good enough. i'm scared that my efforts will amount to nth. i'm scared i'll lose you. i'm scared i'll lose more than you. i'm scared i'll lose so much more.
i think i'll go spend time with god. i'll go into a time of worship and shutting everything out. he's the only one who's always there, even at 2 am in the morning.
1:49 AM
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